Is This The Worst Valentine's Day Ever?



The following is the story of what I did for my girlfriend on Valentine's Day. Since this was our first Valentine's Day together I wanted to show her how much I cared about her. I spared no expense as we took advantage of all the class and romance that the Little City of Falls Church had to offer. Here is what happened.

I started the date out on a strong note, putting on some of my best and most fashionable clothes. Is that a Van Halen T-Shirt with the sleeves cut off it and some "dad jeans"? Damn Straight. "Pass me another burrr woman!" She navigated her way over all of the dirty clothes and empty liquor bottles and passed me another.




I told her that I had a really romantic evening planned and I told her to close her eyes. I blindfolded her and brought her outside. She had no idea what was about to happen and kept making guesses about what she would see when the blindfold was removed. A giant teddy bear? An ice sculpture of a heart. Two snowmen hugging each other?

Nope. It was the bus stop.




We took the bus down to Broad Street and wouldn't you know it I forgot to pull on the stop line. The bus went past our destination and made a left down another road before finally arriving at the next stop. Now we had quite the walk ahead of us. Unfortunately due to a snowstorm there was nowhere to walk but smack dab in the middle of the busy street.

After a half mile and both of us almost being hit by a car about 20 times. I told my girlfriend I knew of a shortcut. We walked behind a restaurant into what looked to be just random snow, and she gave me the "hellllll no" headshake. I assured her it would be fine and we walked through the wet snow and muddy tiretracks in front of us. Did I mention she didn't have snow boots on?





Right at the end of the pathway, before we reached another street, there was a big pile of snow. I jumped over it and into the street but she was unable to perform the same super athletic feat. Instead she climbed over the snow pile. Except there was one problem. It was less of a snow pile and more of a 1 foot deep puddle of the dirtiest melted snow you can find posing as a snow pile. I watched in horror as she stepped on the mound and her leg sunk beneath the snow and splashed water up onto the curb.

Oh no. This was not good. But...it was really funny. So I laughed...whoops.

For some reason, obviously my good looks, my girlfriend allowed this date to continue. We went down to our my favorite pizza joint and I treated her to some of the finest beer the city of Falls Church has to offer. National Bohemian aka Natty Boh. On sale for $1 per can. I decided I'd shell out the cash and buy her a couple. She deserved it.




Now that I had "wined" her, it was time to "dine" her. We got back in our car, oh right, we didn't have a car. I mean. We walked down the street and to the local bowling alley. Pitchers of beer and awesome snack bar fries. How can you go wrong? She asked if we were going to go bowling. Damnnnn shorty. I ain't made of money.

After we I drank some more watered down beer we were I was feeling pretty drunk. I decided that our night was going to have to come to an end, or it was going to end with her carrying me home.

We walked out of the bowling alley and to the nearest bus stop, where we saw the bus pulling away from us and off into the distance. No problem. We'd just get to spend time together on a romantic walk. A Valentine's Day miracle!




After another fun game of frogger, and a long ass one mile walk through dirt and snow, we finally arrived back home. It was time to conclude the Valentine's Day festivities with some good old fashion lovin. I put on my sexiest pajamas to get her in the mood. It was reallllly working.




That was the last thing I remember but luckily my girlfriend was sober (and angry and soaking wet) and she let me know what happened. I laid down on my bed. And I didn't get up until the next morning.

The perfect ending to the most romantic night of our lives...



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